MY7THLIFE.NET

I keep wanting to post, to talk, just about nonsense, but in the end, I’m left with thoughts I don’t want to think about.

What’s been happening? Erm, let’s see.. I miss my dad. I miss the boyfriend. I miss being healthy.

Yep. I am sick. Sick as a.. well, sick person. Please la, I’m allowed to abandon proper speech ability. Or even proper sentence construction. I am sick! I can’t hear properly with my right ear, I have a constant headache and I cough a lot, and it bugs me a lot because I can’t sleep from all the hacking. I’ve been to the doctor’s twice, and both of them told me that I should get enough rest since my immune system is low. Hello. I can’t, I’m so busy with all these things, can you give me something to boost my immune system then?

Sorry, unnecessary anger. Anyway. Been sick, but have got to put up with it because there is just a lot to do.

Why does “being strong” takes so much out of me?

See? I have nothing to post. Maybe I should reply to some of the comments. Let’s see..

Big thanks to War, Wang Ee, Di, Izzah, Syaz, Nana, Ka Ety, Nees, Ka Zian, Amy Heidi, R&AL, Marilyn, Wani, Faz, Emma, Amalina, Pinkie, F, Marlina, Darkness Light, Sza, Eva, Fauzia, Amy, hamba Allah, Aizah, Affy, Sudu, Nazme, Lish and Rosie.

Shanobyl, thank you. I’m so sorry for the loss of your aunt.

SoulJah, yes, he was very proud. He was even more proud when one of my lecturers told him that I was one of her better students and that she has faith in me to actually take up a doctorate! I’m happy he knows.

Zippy, did I ever tell you that my mom knew your late father? Anyway.. I’m still taking those steps to move forward. Somewhat think I’m stuck in a moment.

Ness, when I went to rest after I came home from the emergency, I wished it was all a dream. A premonition of sorts, something to tell me to spend every second with my dad. Thank you for your kind words, in the comment and in your text. Hugs.

Allydee, it came as a shock to me as he was very, very, apa nya orang Brunei? Cakah?.. yea, he was very much so, and, like I mentioned earlier in one of my replies, I’m stuck in a moment.

Leejah, I’m not good with scenes as well, hehe. But thank you for coming the other day. The news about Syiqah’s late mother came as a shock to me too.

SBC, thanks so much for leaving comments. Your forgot your “First!”. Hehe. Anyway, it’s now one less person who knows me inside and out, and we all have got to learn to adapt, right? By the by, I need updates. Soon.

Nonnie, he was a good dad. He gave me practically everything I’ve ever wanted and he touched my life the way no one has ever had. He made me who I am today, and I think I’ve got my sense of humour from him. Heehee.

Sel, I thought I was back to normal, hehe. But the times when I was quiet was when I was thinking about the plans we made to go to a studio to get the whole family’s picture taken with my newly-attained HND on Friday. But, as my mom had said, “We can only make plans, everything else is in Allah’s hands.”

Ezah, sometimes I think that he’s in the other room, watching TV, catching his breath, or just looking on as we all do our house chores. I miss him in the way he looks at us, in the way he disapproves or approves of things.. in the way he finds things funny. You know. Things like that.

All right. I think I’m done for today. More soon, when I get my health back and my sense of.. something that I don’t know I lost.

I don’t know what day of the week it is, but I know it’s my dad’s birthday today. My late dad’s. I have to get used to that. People around me have been mentioning “Allahyarham” before mentioning him, but I just call him “bapa”, like I always do. My sister? She never mentions him ever since the night he passed.

I’m hanging on all right. Some say better than I should be. Others have seen me bawl my eyes out, so they know I’m normal in a way or another. Been visiting his resting place everyday now, except for yesterday when I had a temperature and a colossal headache. It hit hard today.

When I sat down to recite the surah Yassin as his gift for this year, I could smell his scent after 10 minutes of doing so. Tears were welling up in my eyes, and I couldn’t imagine living life without him. The past three days were okay with the help of our other family members, but they’ve got their own lives to lead some time soon, so it’s only going to be the three of us now.

I’d like to thank everyone who left a comment, and I’m going to reply them when I have more spare time, yea? Thanks.

xx.

Thank you to all of the comments in my previous post. Cutting the graduation celebration short, my dad suffered from a heart attack (or so we were told by the doctors), and passed away on the night of 22nd May 2007, just after Isyak. It came as a surprise to all of us, especially his wife and daughters. It was said that if he wasn’t recuperating from the surgery in April, he could’ve made it. But it was simply his time.

I have never experienced a loss before, and to experience losing someone so close to you, your own father.. it’s.. surreal.

I am so sorry for not texting everyone, but I tried to. And sorry for not being here to those who came in the morning, especially Ka Zian, her mother, Ka Ety, Ka Najwa and Syazwana. To those who can’t come, but tried to, it’s okay. I just needed to tell people that there’s something going on.

To those who had notified others through text, or through their blogs (namely Amani, War, Ness, Tiq, Maurina, Atul, Amy Heidi, Dhil, Di), thank you so much. There were a lot of people who came in between everything, and I can’t name you all, but thank you so much for coming. Thank you everyone for your prayers, it means a whole lot.

I just can’t believe my dad is not here anymore.

The day he passed away was the hardest, because he was feeling really energetic in the last few hours of his life. He cooked my sister and I something to eat while waiting for my mom to get back from work.. He was doing the laundry, folding our clothes, and vacuuming rooms he can easily access.. Basically, he was doing the chores my sister and I were supposed to be doing. Instead, we watched TV. He was watching with us, but at the same time, he did all these things.

He did everything he couldn’t do in the span of the three weeks he was recovering from surgery and the accident. I was happy to see him so well. I didn’t expect to see him take his last breath in the hospital emergency. I didn’t expect anything.

I still cry every now and then, because it is only two days since he’s gone, but I try not to because it physically hurts me and I will throw up if I’m not careful. The night when he passed away, I had a horrendous headache and threw up four times in the span of less than five hours and I didn’t even eat anything, so you can imagine the pain of having to vomit nothing.

The day he was buried, which was yesterday, was a little okay for my physical health, but it was very, very hard for me, mentally. Having to see him, lying there, kissing his cheeks and forehead.. It was really, really hard.

I didn’t want to share all of this with the world wide web, but I feel that if I do, I’ll feel much, much better. As if a load has been taken off my shoulders. And hopefully, when people read this, you’ll recite the al-Fatihah for my late dad, or at least you will wish him well. His name was Hj. Md. Daud bin Hj. Abd. Hamid. Please keep him in your prayers.

Thank you.

I know I haven’t exactly kept to my promises, saying I’ll be uploading pictures and whatnot, but at least I’ve uploaded them onto my Flickr account. That counts, right? Nyeh.

Yesterday, ITB’s 16th Convocation for intake 20 was held at the ICC in Berakas. It was supposed to be on the 19th, but it was postponed to the 21st. It bothered me a lot at first, because it’s my first time hearing the news of a convocation being postponed. Never heard of any other big events having such a thing. But never mind.

I ended up having loads of fun, forgetting about the whole fact that the event was supposed to be held on a Saturday. I took lots of pictures with my friends in the morning event — where our certificates were presented by His Royal Highness the Crown Prince, but all of them were taken by my friends’ cameras because mine was with my mom. I will put up those pictures whenever I can get a hold of them, for now..

Here’s one I took with my parents.

I had somehow successfully hid the colossal sleeves in this picture and made myself look close to my normal size instead of a huge giant pumpkin, quoting my mom.

The day ended with a picture taking with HRH the Crown Prince outside the entrance of the ICC, and I was exhausted. There weren’t many activities happening, but I didn’t know why I was tired.

Contemplated on whether or not I want to attend my graduation night, for a little thanksgiving ceremony. I ended up going because my mom enlightened me on the fact that the event was paid for, and it was deducted from our allowances, meaning they’re not just throwing it for the sake of us graduating, we’re throwing it for ourselves! So I went, after an hour’s worth of Z’s. My mom said it was two, but I maintain with the one hour I had.

I went, donned in all black, not that I was mourning or anything, but I had planned on wearing the nice black national attire for the night. I took minimal amounts of pictures because most of my friends have already gone home, and I was left with less than five friends and two lecturers.

I promised them it’ll be in the blog, so here they are.

Dr. Sophiana and I. She’s one of my most favourite lecturers. She enlightened me with Java programming, in which I thought I could never understand, but did! I managed to thank her last night for one of the most fabulous years of my life.

Sir Rudy and I. Our final year SDP supervisor. He was my first year lecturer as well, but he went AWOL most of the time because he’s just like that. Haha, kidding. I told him this picture was going to be on my weblog, and he said he’ll check up on it, and I asked, “You know my blog?” I thought only Dr. Sophiana did, but apparently not. He said, “Who doesn’t?” Well, that’s sort of what he said, my memory doesn’t exactly trump that of a goldfish.

Which then makes me wonder, who on earth are my readers?!

And this.. is Ms. Izah, who is happily expecting in August. I am delighted for her, she doesn’t look it, since she has a very petite frame, but I now realize the bump. Teehee. She’s my first year lecturer, and she is the cutest and nicest lecturers I have ever had. Cute abis!

For more pictures, you can click here.

Before I go, here is a picture that I have to post up (simply because both of them read my blog.) This is of Superstar Shim and Dr. Sophiana. (Private joke on the superstar bit. )

Guess whose wedding I went to today? Amy Zuriana’s. One of my good friends from STPRI in my yesteryears.

I know some of you know her, and so I’ve got pictures to post up.

Will update this post soon! (For now, click here to view the pictures.)

I just finished watching the movie-adaptation of Tuesdays With Morrie. It is one of my favourite books ever, it’s by Mitch Albom, and I thought I wouldn’t like the movie made out of it. One of the reasons why I didn’t catch it on Hallmark ages ago.

I was out DVD shopping and taking The Devil Wears Prada off the shelf, I saw Tuesdays With Morrie DVD. I’d asked if it was good quality, and the Joey Joe saleslady said yes. I always buy my DVDs from them and I trust them when they say it’s good quality or not. They always tell me the truth anyway, if it isn’t, they tell me it isn’t. Both the DVDs I bought were DVD5 (unsure of this, but it definitely wasn’t DVD9.)

I didn’t try it out at the shop as well, so I anticipated for the worst, but I’d made the right choice by trusting the saleslady. They were both very clear. Anyone who knows me very well knows that I hate watching movies that I can’t properly see or listen. Which is why I sometimes waste money watching movies in cinemas.

Whoa, okay. I have been steering off my point in this post.

Didn’t think of doing a review for Tuesdays With Morrie, but now that I’ve finished watching it, I fell in love with it. This is the second movie-adaptation that I love as much as I love the book. The first being A Walk To Remember by Nicholas Sparks. Back to the movie, Tuesdays With Morrie, I had cried as much as I had cried when I was reading the book. My heart filled with fuzzy warmth watching the emotions and the words exchanged between Mitch Albom and Morrie Schwartz as much as the book did.

I recommend anyone to watch this movie, and read the book. Whichever you plan to do first, it doesn’t matter. You’ll love the both of them.

It’s a pretty rave review for a movie made for television, but it is the perfect thing to watch with your family, by your own, or with your friends.

Now.. Jack Lemmon plays a great Morrie Schwartz. He is the exact same Morrie I had in my mind’s eye. He was sweet, he was wise, and he looked as if he knew what loving everyone and everything was like. What I loved about Morrie was that he really had a lot of profound things to say. A few quotes he had made were left out of the movie, but one of my favourites was in there. Well, it wasn’t how it was exactly in the book, but the way it was made for the screen was as touching as reading it in the book.

One of my favourite moments in the book was this (via iammyy)

“What I’m doing now,” he continued, his eyes still closed, “is detaching myself from the experience.”

Detaching yourself?

“Yes. Detaching myself. And this is important - not just for someone like me, who is dying, but for someone like you, who is perfectly healthy. Learn to detach.”

He opened his eyes. He exhaled. “You know what the Buddhists say? Don’t cling to things, because everything is impermanent.”

But wait, I said. Aren’t you always talking about experience life? All the good emotions, all the bad ones?

“Yes.”

Well, how can you do that if you’re detached?

“Ah. You’re thinking, Mitch. But detachment doesn’t mean you don’t let the experience penetrate you fully. That’s how you’re able to leave it.”

I’m lost.

“Take any emotion - love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I’m going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions - if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them - you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.

“But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, ‘All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognise that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.’”

Morrie stopped and looked me over, perhaps to make sure I was getting this right.

“I know you think this is just about dying,” he said, “but it’s like I keep telling you. When you learn how to die, you learn how to live.”

I thought about how often this was needed in everyday life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don’t let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry. Or how we feel a surge of love for a partner but we don’t say anything because we’re frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship.

Morrie’s approach was exactly the opposite. Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won’t hurt you. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, “All right, it’s just fear, I don’t have to let it control me. I see it for what it is.”

Same for loneliness: you let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely - but eventually be able to say, “All right, that was my moment with loneliness. I’m not afraid of feeling lonely, but now I’m going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and I’m going to experience them as well.”

“Detach,” Morrie said again.

I got that from iammyy because someone’s got my book at the moment. It’s a bit long, I know. But hey, I’m sharing something here.

Point being.. read it, and watch it. You won’t be sorry you did.

To all intake 20 who will be graduating on the 19th of May, 2007, I was just informed this afternoon that the convocation will be postponed to the 21st of May, that’s on Monday. Reasons unknown.

This is the second time I’m disappointed with ITB. First, the delay of the MRS. Now, it’s our graduation. Seriously? Seriously?! I know I was very much looking forward to it, and I know the rest of my classmates were too. Now we have to get over the weekend. Imagine graduation night will be on a working night. Woo, happy, happy, joy, joy. Sarcastic much?

But never mind. At least I’m going to be able to make it for one of my duties.

I cannot get this song off my mind either. If I were to have a playlist of two songs, it’ll be this and Beyonce’s Listen. This one’s Joe’s If I Was Your Man, by the by. I have it as my message tone every time I get a text. I have it as a YouTube video on my Friendster profile. I put it on on repeat before I go take a shower so that when I’m done, I’ll be greeted by Joe’s voice, or the song’s beats.

[odeo=http://odeo.com/audio/11265693/view]

It is quite addictive. Or maybe just me.

Anyway. Just finished a show about less than an hour ago, and I had fun. Another one of my firsts in this line of work, and I have to say, it was a lot of fun and laughter. Especially the foot being the exact same measurement as the length between your wrist and elbow. Try it. You’re bound to be amazed. I was. Embarrassingly, I was, because I had this look on my face. Aaron said it was priceless, and I choose to believe him.

[Warning: American Idol 6 spoiler ahead. Just in the next paragraph. You can skip to the next one, it'll be free from spoilers. Hee.]

Looking further back before my graveyard shift, I watched American Idol tonight. Who would’ve thought, right? All this time I thought Maroon 5 is brilliant when performing live. I was wrong. Hahaha, okay, I’m kidding. I’m a bit surprised by the outcome, but from now on, I’m officially a Blaker girl. Like I mentioned to a friend, I wouldn’t mind a Jordin win.

Played netball with the girl friends in the afternoon, and I was a bit tired after that. I hadn’t played in ages. Three weeks, me thinks? Pictures soon, but not now.

Graduation rehearsals were yesterday and the day before, and I have pictures of those as well. But again, not now. I’m exhausted. Need. Rest.

Thanks for reading!

[odeo=http://odeo.com/audio/2210357/view]

Listen
To the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can’t complete
Listen
To the sound from deep within
It’s only beginning to find release
Oh, the time has come
For my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own, all ’cause you won’t listen

Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I’m not at home in my own home
And I’ve tried and tried
To say what’s on my mind
You should have known

Oh, now I’m done believing you
You don’t know what I’m feeling
I’m more than what you made of me
I’ve followed the voice you gave to me
But now I’ve got to find my own

You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I thought had died so long ago
Oh, I’m screamin’ out
And my dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed aside or worse
Into your own, all ’cause you won’t listen

Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I’m not at home in my own home
And I’ve tried and tried
To say what’s on my mind
You should have known

Oh, now I’m done believing you
You don’t know what I’m feeling
I’m more than what you made of me
I’ve followed the voice you gave to me
But now I’ve got to find my own

I don’t know where I belong
But I’ll be moving on
If you don’t, if you won’t
Listen
To the song here in my heart
A melody I start but I will complete

Oh, now I’m done believing you
You don’t know what I’m feeling
I’m more than what you made of me
I’ve followed the voice you gave to me
But now I’ve got to find my own, my own

Graduation rehearsals are in.. oh God. It’s tomorrow. I didn’t realize that. I was too busy fixing the kain to my National costume (baju kurong bah eh) to wear underneath my graduation robe. I’m so scared I’ll trip over it or something. Paranoia can get to me like nothing else does.

I also had to trudge up to ITB this afternoon to change the initial (rented) robe I had taken home for another smaller one. Apparently, I looked like a pumpkin. I have a feeling the said initial robe belonged to this guy, but I might be wrong. Heehee. My defense is that Ms. Wida and I didn’t have a big enough mirror to properly look at myself. LOL.

I didn’t know graduating was a lot of work. And I’ve got to wake up early tomorrow for the first rehearsal.

You see, I haven’t got really good stuff to post about. Not even pictures. I’m just a blogger who’s suffering from mild insomnia. No, it’s no longer 28 Weeks Later, I’ve finally gotten that out of my mind after just one sleepless night. It’s just.. me, acting up. I really need sleep.

Oh. There were some interestingly controversial things happening this morning, afternoon and early evening, which finally ended (for good?) tonight. Some things were definitely uncalled for, but that’s just me.

xx.