MY7THLIFE.NET

I have been having problems with typing up an entry these days. Every time I pass the one line mark on my editor, I seem to have lost what I had planned to blog about. It’s like I suddenly have blogger’s ADD. I couldn’t focus on writing up a post.

Ramadhan is almost over. I feel really numb this year, nothing like the month I had last year, where I felt everything all at once, and it was very overwhelming. This year, all I want is something better to happen. I’m waiting for it to happen. I don’t know what ‘it’ is yet.

I visited dad’s resting place at about last week. Was with the rest of my family, visiting other family members’ gravesites as well. I haven’t been there in a long while, and my lame excuse is that I get depressed after every visit. So when I was there, I cried. I forgot just how much I missed him.

It’s just going to be another year where I try not to think about it, put on my best smile and move forward.

In case I don’t come up with something by the time Ramadhan is over, have a safe Hari Raya, maaf zahir dan batin.

(Via Wordpressing)

Oh God, I miss my dad.

Al-Fatihah.

I read about the Limbang road accident that resulted in five lives lost. Three of the deceased were Bruneian, two Singaporean. First of all, my deepest condolences to the family and friends of the deceased who are feeling the mighty sadness of losing ones you love. Al-Fatihah dibacakan, mudah-mudahan mereka termasuk dalam golongan orang-orang yang beriman. Amin.

OK, so on to the media coverage on the accident. I am disappointed. News of the accident, I am OK with. But circulating the video of what happened after? I was really, really shocked. I was forwarded the e-mail with the video attached, but I refuse to even download it.

When BruDirect had that link to the YouTube video, I was even more appalled. I couldn’t believe my eyes as I was reading it! I surely didn’t focus on the pictures that were on the article.

Why I refuse to watch the video, is a bit personal to me. If, and I surely hope not, it had happened to my dad, after his accident in Seria, I would seriously be very, very angry. And my dad survived the accident, so imagine if he didn’t and someone recorded a video and circulated it.

Angry might not even be the right word right now. I would explode, I would cry, I would be bitter, to say the least. How can people watch that video and not have respect for those who went before us?

It was hard enough to look at the picture of the vehicle that my dad was in when he was in the accident with his colleague. Please, if you receive any e-mails, or MMSes, or anything of the sort, that has the video attached, don’t watch it. Most importantly, don’t forward it, stop distributing it.

My heart goes out to the family and friends of the deceased. May your hearts be soothed by the fact that Allah is giving you these trials and tribulations because He loves you and wants you to remember Him. Multiply your prayers, recite the surah Yassin for them, recite the Al-Fatihah every single time you have them in your thoughts.

It definitely works for me.

It has been exactly a year since my dad passed away. May felt like it didn’t happen without him here. My birthday felt like it didn’t happen either. I don’t know. There’s still a void there. I’m not sure if anything can fill it in for a couple of years.

I’ve been doing a lot to keep his spirit alive. Not that it’s too difficult, but sometimes if I do it, it makes it hard for me to breathe. A good example would be Manchester United emerging as UEFA Champions League champion. If he was alive today, I can imagine the grin on his face for the rest of the day. He is the biggest Manchester United fan in the world. How he would jump for joy, I can only imagine. That is why I love the two cups that the team has won this season. Because I know he would be happy, and that in itself makes me happy.

What also makes me happy is I know which David who won American Idol season 7. (Spoiler after the jump.)

Read the rest of this entry »

*YAWN*

I feel like I’ve got most rest today than the past three weeks. Thanks to the public holiday, I get to have a rest. Before I fly off to Singapore tomorrow morning. Which, I have to get up early for. Argh.

What’s ticking me off most is that, I HAVEN’T PACKED!

It’s, like, I have so many things to do before I start packing. For example, blog-hopping, replying to comments, writing up a post, cutting my nails, charging my phone battery, charging my digital camera battery, cleaning up my room, getting enough water intake so I don’t go hydrated in this hot, hot weather.

You know, many things.

I must stop procrastinating and jump ‘packing’ up the list. I have to do it now. Before my mom screams at me.

I miss my dad. This is going to be the first trip without him. And we went to his resting place this morning.. I feel a slight stab at where I thought I had gone numb.

Small hiatus, I’ll be posting again once I come back from my Singapore trip. Be safe.

Sigh. What a day. I thought I was going to have a delicious Monday! I guess I have to re-think that.

Here’s a note to new visitors, ahem ahem, do not read this blog with negativity all floating up in your head.

I am entitled to one bad year in my lifetime. Don’t make it two bad years, yea?

I’ve already had to endure the death of my father, what else can you ruin in my life? I’ve already had to see the life of my father being taken away in that emergency room. I’ve had to do a lot of growing up last year, and it hasn’t stopped. I have to grow up, until I feel so much older than I am.

You want to know how old I feel? I feel 40. I am only 22. Why do I feel like I have gone through so much when I am only 22? I should be having fun, having laughs with my friends, not worry about petty things. Especially since one huge, colossal event happened to me, like the death of my father.. these problems should seem like they are nothing.

But they are not. You say you are sorry, but I know you are not. If you are, you would be more passionate. I am entitled to this, OK? I did not ask anything from you but to understand. My blog is my outlet.

You see me SMILING three days after my dad’s death because I had people who came over to pay their respects. You see me FORCING myself to wake up everyday because I know if I don’t, I will never leave the bed. You don’t know wah. You really don’t.

Please lah ah. If you have your own problems, jangantah kan bawa-bawa orang. Aku nada lagi kana-mengana, adang tah. Aku ani banyak sudah sakit ku, adang tah kamu kan menyakiti lagi.

I loved my old man with all my heart, and having to have lost him.. I can’t put it to words.

I don’t know why I even have a digital camera. I don’t even post pictures up these days, and I can’t remember when the last time I had uploaded pictures from my camera onto my laptop. I’ve got pictures, you see, on how I spent my first day of the Gregorian year. But I am too lazy.

My cousin’s son and daughter had a birthday party on the new year and it was just so much fun! They had bouncers, slides, games (with cool stationery for the kids, and Easi recharge cards for grown-ups as prizes — I won $20!), great food, live band, karaoke, and great company! There’s nothing like your family surrounding you, right? I just had a pang of longing for my dad’s presence. But it just feels numb now.

Anyway. Yes. I’m not working at The Studio anymore. If I were to reveal what happened in the place where unnecessary insanity/drama occurs every second of the day, it would be too controversial, and I may have to stab a few eyes to run away and get out of the country. That might have not made any sense, but it made more sense than tomatoes jumping out the window.

I’m delirious.

Nah. I’m just exhausted. I would really love some time to just sleep and not worry about waking up early the next day. No matter how many public holidays there are, the day just wouldn’t come.

I digress. I did sort of have a sad goodbye towards the end of my last show on the radio, though. The boyfriend was listening in, I usually tell him not to, but since it was my last.. why not. And he said the show had a sad vibe to it. Well, I was a little choked up when I said my long goodbye. HAHAHA. No. I did not cry. Please.

I’m glad that I no longer work there. At least by the end of my full-time working day, I wouldn’t have to worry about driving straight to RTB to continue working. It can get quite tiring. But I would like to wish my former colleagues who are still working at The Studio the best of luck. You will need it, especially after the change in show formats.

On another note, I have something great happening this weekend, but I need to stock up on my faith, and hope very hard that it will go great.

Oh, before I forget, I would also like to wish my former colleague at BAG Networks, dearest Nadd, who has left to grab bigger, and better opportunities elsewhere. (Who didn’t tell me this until today, the day she left!) But good luck, you! And let’s go for another thriller at the cinema next time and we’ll scream our heads off and then laugh at ourselves. You’re going to be missed!

I love weekends. I love weekends where I get to work from 8AM to 5PM,  and to continue working from 7PM to 9PM. It’s not the work that I love, it’s the idea that I had a very full day, that it makes me think that I am not such a lazy, sluggish person after all. But I know I still am.

I still have that mindset where I wish it was a Sunday every working  day of the week, and I still count down the hours to 5PM, or 9PM, depending on which job I am on.. but I’d like to think I am a  productive person these days.

So productive, I have forgotten that I am a blogger, thus forgetting to update. If it wasn’t for F’s comment, I would have forgotten that I even have a blog!

So much has been happening, and I’ve never felt more tired, or busier my entire life. It feels like I’m as busy as when my dad passed away. But less morbid and depressing.

My mom’s been a whole lot busier than me, and she’s had to get out of  the office lots of times. She’s got my grandmother to bring to the hospital twice this week, on two different days. She’s got to change ownership of the car. She’s got to settle outstanding bills in every part of the country.. Thankfully, my dad’s pension covers practically everything.

What has got me missing my dad terribly is the thought of him covering  for us, and protecting us even though he is now gone. My mom’s been thinking that if he was alive here and now, he would be very happy. He was always burdened by financial problems the family used to have.

Even I sometimes think he was still alive. When I wait for my mom to pick me up from work every now and then, I would see cars that will remind me of the one that my dad used to drive. And in a few of them, men in topi haji will be driving them and I would think, “Oh, dad’s here.” How can one forget that their loved one has passed away? I never thought it  possible. I thought that once someone has gone, it’s forever etched in your mind that they’re not there anymore.

But I still think he’s here sometimes, and that’s when it’s the hardest because then it will dawn on me that I will never see him driving his car in his topi haji and office wear anymore.

I really don’t like to think about it, but can’t help it, see?

Sigh.

Anyway, life’s been on my nerves lately. It hasn’t been since I’ve left sixth form, so I’m trying my best to just keep a strong front.

You know.. I am the kind of girl that even though I’m bullied, I keep a smile plastered on my face. I have mastered the “pretend you’re not hurt” mask. Seriously, I am very good at hiding things. Which, I’m thinking, makes people try harder and harder to break me down. And each time, I feel like I have failed myself because I couldn’t stay strong enough. I want out, but some things have been holding me back. Every single day, I contemplate to end things. But I have been told to stay patient. They say, “Take things slow, it happens to everyone.”

Does it? Really?

Here’s another one from me: SIGH.

Anyway. Diverting far away from my emotions (I don’t want my entry to start getting all over-emotional), my well-being has been very wonky lately. My wrist started hurting last midweek, and I ignored it because I know it will go away sooner or later. And it did, one morning. But it came back, worse than ever (and the pain was starting to crawl up my elbow), and it happened when I sat down in front of my two computers at work, ready to tackle the day’s obstacles to finish my workload.

So I went to the clinic and had it checked. My mom had also insisted on me getting it checked because I dislocated my elbow once upon a time when I was a wee child and the doctors at the hospital said nothing was wrong with me, until a little more than 4 years later, a sports doctor said I should have surgery to rectify the dislocated parts of my elbow or the nerves that create friction with my bones would snap, thus causing paralysis in my left arm.

So, being the uri that my mom is, she forced me out of the office at 10AM. And the pain that it has caused me made me go as well, I couldn’t stand it. Physical pain threshold being low and everything. I was given painkillers, some sort of vitamin, and this red pill that I know nothing of. I stopped taking painkillers, because when it wore off, I had all sorts of things happening to my body; headache, wrist and elbow pain, etc.. I also stopped taking the vitamin twice a day because I find myself having a larger appetite than I used to! Eeps.

So I just took the red pill for experimental purposes, to see if it’s something else entirely, and not just inflammation of the nerves.

When I said that my well-being has been off-tangent, I really mean everything. I am now sporting a sore throat, hacking coughs, and sometimes runny nose. A bit annoying, if you ask me.

Another sigh for the day? Maybe. But I know starting next week, things will be a-okay.

Like I said, I think this year’s going to end with a great bang. And I will have pictures.

I’m at The Studio at the moment, so hang tight, comments will be replied as soon as I settle down at home.

I’m planning on having a great weekend, so you go have a great one yourself.

Today marks the sixth month since my dad passed away. 22nd May, 2007. It feels like a year has gone, I have gone through so much this year. I can’t wait until it ends.

If everything goes well, 2007 will end with a great bang. And I promise, I will have pictures.

Reply to comments soon, and I promise that I will tweak here and there with the layout. The smilies look awful with the whitish border-like thingy around it. Bleh. On a brighter note, MY7THLIFE.NET is now accessible with MY7THLIFE.COM!! I’m starting to know a thing or two about ‘brand names’ now, thanks to my job at The Company. LOL.

I have decided.

I have decided that I am better than you. I have decided that I am a bigger person than you.

I know I have patience and perseverance. My mother taught me patience, and my father taught me perseverance. I will shame my father’s name if I give up now. I will let my mother down if I do.

I am surrounded by good, kind people and they have watched me grow. They will guide me through, and they will give me words of encouragement because you cannot and will not break me.

I am a strong person. I am a strong woman.

If I can go through hell in middle school, I can go through whatever it is that you put on my plate now. Why? Because I am strong.

I am strong, and you are not, because if you were, you would be standing differently than the way you are standing today. By Allah’s will, I am strong. Stronger than you are.

If Allah put me through my father’s death by seeing him breathe his last breath, and I am still here, as good as anyone who still has both their parents, then Allah will let me through all this with ease.

I will not let you have the satisfaction. No way on earth am I going to let you get to me so easily. You have got to do better than that.

[/rant]

So, with that rant aside, I would like to share with you my great weekend. With no pictures. (InshaAllah, I will edit this post soon with pictures, okay?)

My Saturday night was a blast. Miss Nonnie King held her birthday celebration over at Capers in Kiulap, and had great food. That reminds me. It’s officially the 5th of November now.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NONNIE!
and also,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AARON!

With all the love from MY7THLIFE.NET

Where was I? Yes, great Saturday night, and after the night ended, I had a good conversation with someone to help me out with a few things by the time I got home and logged on to MSN Messenger. (Thank you!)

Then on Sunday.. which was barely yesterday, I went out with 9 of my cousins and sister to watch Stardust at The Mall Cineplex. I was a bit skeptic towards the movie at first, but after watching it, I fell in love with it! There was a good dose of magic and humour in it, I can’t help but loved the movie! I’ll rate it..

Rating:

But as I always say, watch it for yourself, and don’t take my word for it.

Anyway, the movie, popcorn, and drinks were all my treat, and after that, a select few of us then went to have sushi. What made my day was when one of my cousins said, “Wow, Ka, thanks for making this the best day ever!” (’Ka’ is short for ‘Kaka’, which means ‘big sister’, and in this case, he was referring to me.)

That just made my day and made me think, I can rise above ‘my problem’ (read rant above.) You know? I guess you might not.

I’m off to bed. Tomorrow’s going to be a long day.